The Box We Keep Closed

My gosh it has been a while since I have last written on here. What a ride it has been. I remember starting this blog as if it were yesterday. The very reason i started this was to stay in contact with those who are far away, in hopes we could stay close. I do not know what I will write on, or how often I will do so, but I do know this is a platform I feel I need to utilize more. My life and my story are nothing remotely close to the box shape I will describe, but that is what makes it unique and significant all the same.

To all of you who know me, or know some of my story, the title of this should come to no surprise. Let me better explain. In life I believe we all have an image, a portrait, or some form of identity we try to keep. We have this "box" so to speak that we desire our life to be like. We want what comes to us to fit our mold, to adapt to our schedule, and we want to stay on track. But what happens when the box comes unglued and the edges no longer bind together keeping the shape? What then do we do? Run? Hide? Cower in fear? Better yet, do we try the glue the edges back together so no one sees our unraveling? Some of you, if like me, push those closest to you away. Regardless of what our box looks like, or how undone it is coming, those are the ones we hurt the most from actions, words, or silence.

Until only a few days ago, when reading my devotion, I had never really thought about this image. "If God intended for all your days to be easy, they would be. No, in grace, he intended for your days to be his tools of refinement." I read this two days ago and began to truly think about the idea. Not just my life, but the image and box that I put God in. Five years ago, if you were to ask me at the age of 30 if I would have been married and divorced, working for a third party logistics company, and own a dog, I would have told you that you have three strikes against you. Where did I see myself? Either working in Higher Education, at a college or university, or in the Allied Health field in some aspect. my major in college was Athletic Training. Both of which I love, enjoy completely, and could find a career in either. As you can see from the most obvious of examples, the box I had created for myself is not the shape I thought it would be. Until about a week or so ago, I fought this theme of my life and tried my best to deny that fact.

Where to start....

     Ok, so it's been a really really really long time since I've posted anything.I have so much to say, but am limited in what I can and can't say. We will start with my most challenging adventure of life to date that occured on December 1, 2012. I not only ran in, but completed the St. Jude Children Research Hospital Half Marathon (13.1 miles), in a time of 2:21:21!! Although I know I could have done better because my side started cramping up at mile 9, I am still proud of myself. It goes without saying that finishing the race does not even come close in comparison to raising over $1000 for the hospital. I had no idea that I would even get the $500, that I set for myself. I can truly say that I am ready and am running the race again this year--Lord willing.
     I have recently returned from Passion 2013 in Atlanta, GA. What is Passion? It is a 4-day event that over 60,000 18-25 year olds attend. Passion is centered around Isaiah 26:8. All 60,000+ strongly believe that we are the generation that God is going to use to do immeasurably more to spread His word to the nations! I for one am a living wittness to this right now. One thing-the main thing- that the Lord opened my eyes to over the four days at passion was just how bad modern day slavery was. Slavery is a very touchy topic for some people, because we are "a free country." That is a bunch of bull poop! There are currently 27,000,000 slaves world wide (more than any other time in histroy.) Most are young children and women used for and sold for sex and forced labor. If that doesn't put a knot in your stomach well then I guess nothing ever will. Over the course of the 4 days we so called 'broke college people' raised over $3 Million dollars to go towards several different groups-nationally and internationally, all for the cause to end slavery. There is a website that I strongly encourage you go to and look at for more information, www.enditmovement.com. We can't just sit around and do nothing. We have to act and act now! We are the change in the world. We are God's hands to be used for his glory!
     I came back to Heartlight more motivated than I have ever been. Yes, I was tired from the little sleep I got on the break, but was motivated because I know I am where God wants me and is using me. My first full day back was January 6. I was welcomed with a bang, knocked back to reality so to speak. After talking to Jason about the conference, he admitted to the house being in a good spot, the kids are excited to get back to work, and everyone seems happy. Well after church on the 6th, right before we were going to Buffalo Wild Wings for one of the boys birthdays, someone was caught smoking marijuana in house. This led to a lock down of the house, and three guys landed on Restriction II. That night, two of the guys ran from HL property, and ended up returning the next morning. Long story short due to the amount of details I can or am able to share, the three guys are all accepting the mistakes they have made and are willing and open in moving forward in there program. As a result of RII rules, they are not able to go to events. On Wednesday night, January 9, I led them in a DEVOTION! Only after one of them asked me to. He was raised a Christian and his exact words, "this is not how I was raised, I have got to change." This is what I have been praying for for a long time!! That God will give me a chance to spread His love with just one person. Here I was reading the Bible and devotion to THREE guys! WOW! And did God know what He was doing having my first ever devotion on January 9th!! "You may encounter many obstacles as you move towards your goal, don't be discouraged--never give up!!" WOW!!! What a message directly for the Lord himself, to me and especially to my guys! They were blown away. Needless to say they want me to look for the copy of the devotion book for them. Maybe they are blowing steam up my rear end, but having confidence in God and His mighty powers gives me the peace of mind that they truly want to change and become closer to God while doing that!
     In closing please pray for the guys, Heartlight, its staff, the 27,000,000 slaves in the world, and me. I am starting to look into my future and figure out where God wants me according to His will. We believe that mighty things happen throught the power of prayer.

Catching Up

     First, I just want to apologize for the long wait before this post. I have all intentions of posting once a week, but my days are long, nights are short, and days off fly by! This past weekend was family retreat at Heartlight. What is family retreat? It is a weekend beginning Friday night and ending Sunday about 6 pm. I only thought my normal days were long, this retreat made normal days look like a piece of pie! The families come in going to several different events throughout the day with Level 3 residents and above being able to go off of campus for a set period of time with parents and family. At the end of the weekend we had a graduation for four residenta who had completed the heartlight process and made dramatic changes in their life. One of them I know even accepted Chridt in her life while here. That same resident was my volleyball partner when we played volleyball during the days and events scheduled for that. Yes, I am sad she is gone, because the camus is deffinitely not the same and not nearly as loud with her gone.Her personality is defitiely addicting and whil only knowing her for two months, I would have never guessed that she had had the problems she has had. She has overcome so much and is such a strong girl, I know she will do great things with her life and with Christ by her side I can't wait to see what she does in life!
      The main event for the weekend was the soap box car derby race. Every house had to make a soap box car. There was a contest for overall car design, slalem test, downhill race, and drift test! Our guys spent about three weeks working on and building the car! Everytime we went to work on it we spent a minimum of 2 hours at the barn building it! It definitely showed as we took home first place! I have never been more proud and inspired by a group of guys as I was when I saw them come together with an idea and seeing the car come along was awesome!

The Winning Soap Box Car!
 

      Also, I am in the middle of training for the St. Jude Half Marathon that I am running on December 1. Currently the longest run I have run is 8 miles, and tomorrow is my 9 mile run. I am highly contemplating signing up to be a St. Jude Hero. What is a St. Jude Hero? A St. Jude Hero is a person that wants to do more than just run the race. They want to make a true differnce in the children's lives. They have to raise money to help with the day to day operations of St. Jude. For those that do not know St. Jude is a free treatment facility for all patients. Costing over $1.8 Million dallars a day to operate St. Jude, I can not help but want to help in anyway I can. Yes, I have had a long hard road for over two years loosing 130 pounds, but this is nothing that these children have to overcome in a lifetime. This will be by far the single most hardest endurance test I have ever had to do in my life-but at the same time it is probably the single most excited I have been for any event. Who would have thouht I would be excited about running! Definitely not me!!! If I do sign up to be a Hero I will post the site on the blog if anyone is interested in donating to St. Jude. Just know you will not be donating to me but to a great hospital all inspired and started from a prayer by Danny Thomas to St. Jude, the saint of lost causes.
     Please keep Heartlight, staff, residents, and myself in your prayers. God's hand is over this place and special things are beginning to happen!!!



Movement

     After our recent house meeting, the residents are starting to want to dig deeper into the Bible. We have agreed to have a Bible study starting this coming Sunday night. I am nothing but excited about this opportunity. As I have said in several previous blogs that one of my main prayers is that they seek to know the Lord, and that the Lord will move in their lives and hearts so that they will want to and grow to know the Lord. Yes it will be a slow process, but we all at one time or another had to start our relationship with jesus somewhere. The guys are starting to really answer the challenges taht Jason, Stephen, and I are setting before them. They are starting to challenge themselves and each other in a way that I don't think they have ever before been challenged. Personally, actively, spiritually, and emotionally, they are answering the challenges set before them by house staff, councelors, and residential directors!
     As of recently, my trust in the Lord is being tested like never before sice arriving at Heartlight Ministries. In the past three weeks my family has had two deaths. My great uncle (on my dad's side), and my cousin (on my mom's side). The hardest part is talking to the parents and knowing that you can't be there with them since i am six hours away. All I have to go off of is their word that they are doing ok and will be fine. Yes, I believe them, but it is still hard! Family is family-plan and simple. Trusting the Lord that He IS watching over the family, not just mom, dad, and sister, but the entire family especially during this tough time is challenging because if I was able to be with them the compfirt would be evident.
     Then the Lord has is way of comforting you in times of trouble as He did last night during the Q&A event. Last night topic was Hill Billy Handgrenades. I dressed in some old jeans that were four sizes too big short cut blue jean shorts and a white t-shirt with bluejean material armband. I looked like and felt like I was back in the 'Sip....hahaha. Handgrenades you ask yourself?! What the heck are handgrenades! What it came down to was dodgeball with sponges that were soaked in waterdown water based paint. If anyone that knows me knows I love dodgeball, whether at DSU Intramurals or at O.K.R.A. Kamp against 6-12 year olds. it was an epic night and one of the mst fun Q&A's thus far. Even staff that has been there for a year or so was saying how fun it was! After the event was over we began throwing the paint at each other by the cup full! The Lord has His ways of keeping us young and telling us that everything is going to be just fine!
     "Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock."---Isaiah 26:4
     Please keep praying for Heartlight, the residents, and staff!




After Hill Billy Handgreades

Home at Heartlight

     Well it as been about ten days since I have updated the blog. I apologize to anyone who is reading the blog. Please understand from 7:15ish when I wake up until 10:30ish when I get to bed I am constantly busy. Whether it is in school with the guys, in meetings, trainings, cooking meals for the house, or working, I am constantly busy. My goal was to update the blog a couple times a week, but that was before I arrived at Heartlight and started working. In reality now, I think once a week is good, for there is stuff that I want to share as far as God working on these kids but I can't do to confidentiality. That is where the power of prayer comes into play! Don't stop praying-for the residents-for the staff-for me-and for Heartlight.
     My days off are noramlly Friday through Sunday, but this week they are Monday through Wednesday, meaning I will work 9 days straight starting tomorrow until next Friday. It is nice for a change, because the weekends are relaxing and filled with fun activities and different events, but I am excited about going with the guys to church on Sunday! As refreshing as the change is, I won't lie it is awesome having the weekends off to chill and watch football. I think that out of all the weekends off that this is the weekend I would like to have off the most so far. There area a group of guys going to a lake in Arkansas to camp. I was asked, "Paul, do you camp?" My reaction, "Ummmm-yeaaa!" I was quick to describe my Eno, what it was, and am letting them borrow it. They had never heard of an Eno!!!
     A group of about seven or so of us went to lunch today to a place called Beth's Cafe. IT WAS AWESOME!!!! The inside reminded me of Al la carte in Cleveland, but the food reminds me of a place you'll see on Diners-Drive In's- and Dive's. It was homemade food. The first "homecooked" meal I've had in six weeks or so now. Just sitting around and talking to the people reminded me so much of supper club and hanging out with friends in Clarksdale and Cleveland. A sense of peace and calm hit me that this is home for at least the next year, that these people are more than co-workers, they are family. As cliche as that sounds, it is true! For they didn't have to invite me to eat with them, but they knew I was off so they did! God has put me in Texas for a reason. As unsure of what that reason is when I took the job, I know I am going to be ok. I am working eeryday just as the kids are to 'win the day' to get better and become a stronger person.
     Last Wednesday, I gave my testimony during Bible study. It was one of the most nerve racking moments of my life I have to say. Why you ask? Imagine it, sitting in front of a room of residents whom you are supposed to be there to help guide, lead, and basically be a mentor for to and through their problems. At this point you are no longer their housing staff, you are equal to them: admitting to them your struggles through life, your up's and down's, high's and low's, and battles you have faced and continue to face daily. It is not an easy thing to do. once I began to speak the words just came out. I was talking yes, but thinking back on it I honestly do not know if I was in control of what I said. Closing the bible study, I used a verse that has helped me multiple times: Ephesians 2:4-10. For any of you that know me, know my struggles, battles and basically know my testimony. I honestly feel admitting my past and present guilts to the residents, I am now more connectible to them. I am more than the new staff but they can now see me as someone that wants to and is willing to help.
     As of this morning, I am officially done with my training and all that lacks now is a meeting with Blake and or Corry as far as an overview of the training and I will be officailly fully trained!!!

A Month Later

     Last Thursday, September 6th, was the one month anniversary of my being at Heartlight. Man how does time fly!! I rememebr packing, saying bye to family and friends, and making the drive to Heartlight as if it was only yesterday. In the month that I have been here I have already learned so many things about myself that I never even thought imaginable. Yes, ever since my interview, I had been told that this job would teach me things about myself that I wouldn't have ever thought possible. In all reality I didn't know what Corry, Blake (who interviewed me), Jo- a residential director for one of the girls cabins, and several other staff were talking about. I was then told the same thing once I arrived here on my first day.Well it took about a day and a half for me to realize that my patience would be tested just about every day. But more than the physical aspects I would learn, have learned, and continue to learn more about myself on a spiritual level more than I thought I could have. Every day- every single day- is a battle, a constant struggle to not only need to but want to get into the word. Yes I have slipped and fallen, I'll be the first to admit that, but what keeps me going is the simple fact that His love is so great for us that we are already forgiven for our sins. Yes I know this doesn't make sin acceptable, but in my opinion I am able to live my life to the fullest while having the confidence and knowledge that His grace is enough! I ask for your constatnt prayers for my having to lean on Him every day is definitely more evident in this past month and in the coming future than I have had to before.
     To follow up on my last blog post- my training in just about to an end. Once I have completed my first aid/CPR/water safety training I will be a fully trained staff. I will then go through a 30 day period in which I am "unofficially officially trained." This means I am fully trained but I am not allowed one on one with a resident out of sight of a fellow trained staff, excluding point times. In closing, please continue to pray for heartlight, Heartlight staff, myself, and the residents!
    

Training and Such

     As I sit on a couch at a fellow staff members house watching football I am thinking about this past week of what was and the future of what will be. My training is just about complete and then I will be 'officially' staff. By this I mean that until I am fully trained I am not allowed by myself (out of sight of a fellow trained staff member) with a resident. You might be asking yourself, "How long does it take to get trained?" Well honestly it only takes about three weeks which may seem like a long time, but when you are responsible for the lives of anywhere 4-8 residents at one time by yourself, I am willing to go through the training program without rushing. Although I have been here for four weeks, the first two weeks was break period so all the residents were not here and I didn't start training until last week for that fact. I am currently going through the training process with four other people. Eric Brewer-from Indiana, Kim Cook-from Houston, Hannah Brandenburg-from St. Louis, and Allison Kozloski-from St. Louis. I believe they were waiting on them to arrive before starting my training so there will only be one training at a time.
     Point times are were I truly feel I will be able to find out the hearts of my 'point time guys'. What is point time? Point time is your time at least once a week (usually more than once) that is spent one on one with your guys. This is where you get to know them and they get to know you. From the few points times I have listened in on the kids are open and willing to share their life stories with you and for the majority are wanting to change. I honeslty feel as long as they are willing, I will be able to relate to and help them in some form or fashion. As I stated in my last blog my hope is that I will fill accomplished when my time is done here and I have possitively affected the lives of at least one resident.
      There is one resident whom I believe I will have as one of my point time guys that is starting to grow from the ground up in his faith. Yes it is a slow slow process but as everyday comes so do the questions about the Bible, God, and what to read at night time. Right now, he is an open book ready to be filled with the knowledge, love, and awesomeness of God. He has even mentioned to Stephen and myslef to sit down with him a day or two a week and read and discuss the Bible. YESSSS!!!! That has been my prayer since accepting the job-even before i moved here. My prayer was for God to begin his miraculous works in the hearts of the residents that they will want to and long for his love and grace! How powerful and awesome! This only gives me hope and strength to keep on keeping on when the road gets hilly and bumpy. God has put me here for a reason and I am starting to fully recognize that. Yes, everyday is a challenge. Yes, this will be one of the-if not the toughest year of my life. Yes, I am prepared (at least I feel like I am). Yes, my strength in the Lord is stronger now than it has EVER been-which frankly I will need and want. Yes, this will be a rewarding year, as I will learn tons about myslef. My seatbelt is buckled and strapped on tightly. I am ready-I am the Lord's clay for the molding.
     Please continue to pray for the residents, staff and Heartlight as a whole.

Ephesians 2:10- For we are the workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, Which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.